Top 5 Movie, Television Quotes for Awful 401(k) Advice

Hooray for Hollywood! (and 401ks)

Hooray for Hollywood! (and 401ks)

We turn to celluloid heroes to save the world, fall in love, triumph over adversity—so why not for a little help with retirement saving? Because pop culture is replete with bad advice—financial and otherwise, like Tony Montana’s “When you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the women” (which actually isn’t half bad, until he died in a hail of bullets). 401(k) advice is no exception, and while never something to emulate, it’s at least entertaining. Here are a few of the more relevant quotes:

1). “I picked up the phone, tracked you down, flew you here, and gave you $6,000 out of my 401(k).”

Talk about leakage. We’ll go out on a limb and say it’s never a good idea to take money from a 401(k) and hire a gigolo to pose as your date to your half-sister’s wedding in order to make your former fiancé, who also happens to be the best man, jealous. Got that? The Wedding Date did provide some useful insight, however; rom-coms are running out of ideas.

2). “Love is like your 401(k); it matches your investment—you love a little, and you’re loved a little.”

What, you’ve never heard of 2014’s Playing it Cool? Neither have we, and when the synopsis begins with “The film was released in Estonia …,” we know why. After all the hoopla surrounding behavioral economics (and a movie made about it in its own right, Moneyball), anyone who thinks it’s a smart move to invest in their 401(k) with their heart instead of their head should give up now and head straight for Skid Row.

3). “Your 401(k) no longer exists!”

The dangers of hacking and high-tech security were never more terrifying than in the fourth installment of the Die Hard franchise, Live Free or Die Hard. It had hunky Timothy Olyphant as a madman bent on revenge who wipes out the entire east coast power grid in order to do so.

“Tell you what, let me make it up to you,” Olyphant’s character tells hero John McClane. “Shoot Mr. Farrell in the head and drive away, and by the time you reach the end of the next block, all your debts will be wiped clean, and your children will be set for life.”

We’d rather have a properly diversified 60/40 split with a slightly conservative glide path.

4). The following exchange from NBC’s 30 Rock says it all:  

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I’ve got like twelve grand in checking.

We left off Jack’s decidedly un-PC response (played by Alec Baldwin), but as usual Liz (Tina Fey) is young, talented and possesses no interest in saving in a 401(k). The perils of failing to do so are well-documented, with the penalty for starting at age 35, rather than age 25, running a cool $1 million at retirement. That’s what they’re giving up in long-term financial security, but hey, it’s only money.

5). “With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like…love!”

There’s a lot to unpack with this one from Bart Simpson, scion of America’s dysfunctional first-family. We’ll keep it simple and stick to the fact that the dismal savings’ rate means many 401(k) participants have an average balance right around Bart’s figure, and seem to be about as as good at math. How they’ll turn $10,000 into a stream of income that last’s 30-plus years in retirement is anyone guess, but give ‘em points for optimism.

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