In a disaster akin to New Coke, Retireholi(k)s’ pathetic attempt to revamp its stale and struggling brand only tarnished it further, solidifying the once cutting-edge format’s sad, slow decline into irrelevance.
WorkForeverholi(k)s, JD Carlson’s latest plea to get something—anything—new out of his lackeys, was quickly canceled by show organizers at Excel 401(k): The Advisors Conference in Dallas on Monday.
“It was always just an excuse to drink,” true talent Brandon Carlson, younger sibling of wretch JD (named for Jeffrey Dahmer) said about Retireholi(k)s in a bombshell interview with the beloved editors of 401(k) Specialist. “My older brother has no retirement savings and thinks 401k is a designer drug.”
Complaints from mainly millennial attendees about the “gross bearded and bald guys” on the show floor mumbling incoherently and occasionally shouting triggered widespread alarm among resort and event staff.
In addition to cans of White Claw littering the WorkForeverholi(k)s’ space in a pandering appeal to be “hip to what the kids are drinking these days,” attendees were offended by the work-till-you-die cynicism of the new show and Carlson’s tyrannical treatment of said 401(k) Specialist, a highly-respected industry icon.
“His dashed dreams of professional surfing ruined him; he’s never been the same since,” the younger Carlson reasoned, citing his brother’s inability to swim as an impediment to pipeline glory. “He walked out of the water, saw an advertisement for retirement plans, shrugged and said, ‘I guess I’ll do that.’”
With more than 20 years serving financial markets, John Sullivan is the former editor-in-chief of Investment Advisor magazine and retirement editor of ThinkAdvisor.com. Sullivan is also the former editor of Boomer Market Advisor and Bank Advisor magazines, and has a background in the insurance and investment industries in addition to his journalism roots.
